Category: MENTAL HEALTH/ EMOTIONAL HEALTH

The Little Tree

When eating the fruit, remember the one who planted the tree.

~Vietnamese Proverb

Thanksgiving has now come and gone, with Christmas less than four weeks away. Holiday time for many is often a time of reflection and introspection. It’s a time to pause even if just for a few moments among the hustle and bustle this time of year often brings. I found this quote and wanted to share it with you. As many of us know who are living with a chronic illness, this can be a lonely road. I continually feel cast outward fighting up the stream of life and this can be very exhausting both mentally and physically. I often feel without, as my peers steer their ships far off into the distance. Too often I ask myself why am I the one to be faced with this seemingly impossible challenge? Yes, these are heavy questions often on the minds of myself and others like me.

I am taking this opportunity to stop and remember the one who planted the tree in my story. Some days I can hardly breathe because of the weight I carry. The interesting thing about life though is that each day we can have the chance to start something new. What if this something new is to pause and be grateful that we opened our eyes today. Maybe you build a leaf on the tree you have worked so hard to create from absolutely nothing. Maybe you take the time to heal today after a mental or physical storm that happened yesterday. What is it that you need today? You have the choice to decide everyday in even the smallest of ways.

I am often surrounded by other’s opinions of what I should be. How I should talk or act. I too often have kept quiet about my illness to make others feel more at ease around me. This voice needs to be heard. As long as I fit in this little box and don’t make any waves, everything is smooth sailing on the surface. By appeasing someone else, we shrink our authenticity and our voices to fit within another’s expectations. By listening to ourselves and voicing our needs we are taking the time to nourish the tree we have created into existence.

We have the ability to create our own support systems. We can choose to pick up what or who serves us, and leave the things that do not. Our relationship with ourselves is the longest relationship we will ever be in. I am a firm believer in we accept what/who we allow into our lives. As that little voice inside of you grows, you will more clearly be able to see what serves you in this moment. I have great gratitude for those who have helped lift me up and slowly water my little tree. The little droplets have given me strength on those days I feel I can’t go on. I bend a little more towards the sunlight, and a little less into the shade.

The Seven Year Itch

This month of October is the seven year anniversary since I was diagnosed with PNH and AA (Paroxysmal Nocturnal Hemoglobinuria) (Aplastic Anemia). Somehow this year feels different for me. Throughout my days recently I catch myself reflecting on this one hell of a curve ball thrown right into my chest. I was 28 years old at the time. I had so much light in my eyes, but quickly was confronted with this darkness that I never wanted to know.

The first couple of years post diagnosis I was totally numb, and tried to numb the pain even more by reaching for the bottle. It was warm, a sense of comfort at a time when I was slowly fading into the background. A part of me had felt like I had died already. I was chasing a version of myself that I so desperately needed to be. Or at least I thought I needed to be. I lost her. She didn’t die, she changed and grew into another version of herself.

It’s seven years later now and some old parts of myself are starting to reemerge. The anger and sadness I carried with me at the start somehow have gotten lighter. I have gotten lighter. It sounds cliché but I have learned to let go of the things I can’t control.

It has taken me years, but instead of battling against myself and this diagnosis, I have learned to be kinder and gentler with myself. I take risks, step outside of my comfort zone to see what this universe has in store for me. So many times this illness has tried to demolish who I am and what I want to become. But every time I start to rebuild, I am stronger, more humble, and give myself the time to heal before trying again. I have grown to accept more and fight less.

Just because we accept however, does not mean we remain stagnant. This is a delicate balance of pushing ourselves versus giving our minds and bodies the rest it so clearly needs. “If it doesn’t open…it’s not your door.” This is a quote that has always resonated with me.

The past seven years I have come across many doors. All different colors, knobs, and sizes. I have tried to knock. I have tried a secret password. I have tried using a crow bar in the middle of the night (figuratively ha!). I have tried a running start to bust it down. I have tried using a whistle. I have tried it all to get the damn thing to open. What I have realized is those doors were never for me. I am figuring out the blueprints to build my custom home. Building your own home takes a hell of a lot longer than opening some little door.

There’s No… Going Back Home Now

We are all familiar with the 1939 classic story “The Wizard Of Oz.” It starts off with Dorothy singing on the family farm, daydreaming about that perfect place that’s somewhere over the rainbow. Then the wind picks up with black clouds overhead. The rest of the family including her beloved Antie Em find their way safely into the storm cellar. She tries to yell for her family to open up that cellar door to let her inside. They can’t hear her over the storm, so she seeks shelter on her own inside the house. The storm blows so fierce that it breaks the window and knocks Dorothy completely unconscious.

For reasons that are still unfolding, I and many others have been given this blow to the head just like our dear Dorothy. She thought she wanted to be safely under the cellar with the rest of her family, however something out of her control took her into this alternate universe. The Technicolor Universe. I along with so many others like me are living in this new reality. We now walk around with rose colored glasses, when the majority of the population is still viewing the world in black and white. Now, parallel to Dorothy we learn with time we can’t just sit like a bump on a log waiting to be rescued by that guy behind the curtain.

I fought so hard against living in this alternate place thinking… “I just want to go back to my pre-diagnosis life…my black and white days.” But this is not my world anymore. I mourn the version of myself that used to exist, while also exploring who I am and what I want in this world with all the colors. And you know what? Sometimes it can be a lonely fucking place and a scary place. On the other hand, I get to experience levels of myself that no one else will ever see within themselves. Given this rare pass into the underworld I get to rebuild who I am. Everyday I have a little bit more of my own version of Emerald City.

I remember to be graceful with each step on those bricks because this new version of Dorothy has been through so much. This is a daily practice. I have to remind myself that the normal societal standards or pressures no longer apply. To put it simply, my house that I thought I wanted no longer exists. It was demolished by the twister known as my illness. I now reside in Technicolor.

So, you may think outwardly that I am falling behind in your world, but please know that in color I am right where I need to be. This place is beautiful because it has so much depth beyond the black and white. So, you see I can’t go back home ever again because I don’t know that world. I don’t know that me. I intend to work with…not against what has been given to me. To create something beautiful out of something seemingly so ugly. No, we are not in Kansas anymore, and no, I don’t want to go back. I can’t. This is real life.

There’s No Place Like Color.

If I’m Smiling…Am I Happy?

Imagine yourself walking down a hallway. A person is coming toward you and as you pass each other you blurt out the familiar phrase “Hi, how are you?” It’s second nature to respond with “I’m good, thank you.” Or something like “I’m doing well, how about yourself?” Or you might say “I’m living the dream!” As a society we have all become so conditioned to outwardly appear a certain way to others.

Let’s take a moment to talk about posting on social media accounts. What are the moments that we all want to capture with the flash of a camera? It’s to document those exciting times like going out to drinks with your girls, the day your daughter graduates from college, or when you become a proud grandfather for the first time. We post on social media to share with others those special moments in our lives. We portray more often than not that our lives are one good time after another.

May is Mental Health Awareness month. Sadly, there is still a very real stigma surrounding mental health. If we need help or take the initiative to take care of our emotional health we are often seen as weak by others. Throughout our days we are constantly bombarded with messages of being perfect or always having that positive attitude. It is exhausting.

What if I am not okay? Can we take some time to sit in that? If my emotions make you uncomfortable, imagine what it must feel like for me. When I was first diagnosed especially, many people said things to me like ‘stay positive’ ‘it could be worse’ or my personal favorite ‘god only gives us what we can handle.’ I realize that people are just trying to help, but statements like these can be very damaging and dangerous.

Living this life that I have lived with diagnosis has been very hard, putting it mildly. I refuse to sugar coat it. I am not stating this fact to get pity, admiration or attention. I say this because I am a realist. Having a range of emotions when learning to harness an illness is not only appropriate, but absolutely necessary. This is why toxic positivity can be just that. Toxic. I don’t want to tell you only what you want to hear. Let me be clear… I absolutely have optimism, faith and goals for my life. My diagnosis is a part of who I am but it is not who I am at my very core. To really learn to love that part of ourselves we need to feel supported and not stifled. This goes for everyone, not just those who may have a chronic illness.

My face is smiling… does this mean I am happy? The eyes tell us a million times more than a smile ever does.  I want to continue this conversation around mental health because it is so often minimized. It took several years for me to start to talk about my illness. I wanted so badly to keep up with my peers. I thought maybe if I didn’t acknowledge that part of myself that I could just ignore it and push past it. BIG mistake! It just got bigger, heavier and more painful. Working through my emotions is providing a lightness. It sounds cliché but growth comes when we can learn to love all the parts of ourselves. So, am I happy? I will answer you honestly. I’ll say I’m working on it. That’s real. That’s honest. That’s honoring all the parts of myself.

I want to thank all of those who sit with myself and my fellow Warriors to hear all parts of us!!!

The Sum Of A Resume

The white page is blank. The space bar is blinking seemingly begging you to write the words in the space. I format the page using a legible font and size to describe myself to the professional world. How do I display a life in such a way that will stand out? The competition around me is fierce and I feel like a piece of pray surrounded by lions. You start to question yourself. Do I know this part of myself? Is she still buried somewhere underneath all the scars and pain she knows all too well. The purpose of the resume is to show people what you have done and what you can bring to the table. However, if you read between the lines on the formatted page, this is where I reside.

If you were to look at my resume you would see gaps of employment. “Why were you unemployed during this time?” My hands clammy and throat starts to dry up. Am I supposed to lie? Tell you that I took some time off to “find myself” or that I spent that time backpacking through Europe? Full disclosure, I have skirted around the subject and also taken the risk of telling a future employer the truth regarding my bumpy job history.

I have learned that I cannot hide this part of who I am. For so long, I continuously fought against acceptance of my diagnosis. Through time and introspection I have learned to let go. Instead of fighting this tsunami, I lean into it. I have never been an overly religious person, but living this life now has opened me up to trusting in something bigger than myself.

This diagnosis was given to me for a reason, and that reason is still unfolding with each passing day. The energy it takes to fight against something is exhausting. The energy it takes to lean into it is far easier. I used to feel ashamed and resentful of my illness because it took so much from me. Now, I acknowledge it and work with it to heal myself and hopefully help others who struggle in similar ways. It has become lovingly woven into my identity as a strong young woman.

Listing the qualities you have on a bulleted piece of paper does not sum up who we are as human beings. The real strengths we acquire happen outside of that 8.5 x 11 resume. So, on paper you may see a candidate with unemployment gaps. I see a young woman who fights everyday to find her place in this world when circumstance took her away for a little while. I am still here. Still smart, capable, passionate and gritty as hell. Don’t just gloss over the words on the page. See me and the fight that’s still there deep inside.

2020 Reflections

We made it. It is the end of 2020. The Year like no other before it, for so many reasons. I’m sure I am not the only one carving out some to reflect and process what an unprecedented year this has been. I remember celebrating out with friends on New Year’s Eve this time last year. Everyone had a glass of champagne in hand, balloons dropped from up above and voices yelled the familiar “Happy New Year!” This year has an entirely different tone. Instead of feeling this renewed energy to bring into 2021, I feel such a mix of emotions. So much of this year has been about Loss for me and so many others.

I started this year of 2020 on a medical leave from my job that I had been working at for a year. For the first time in my life, I was fired. Job Loss. Through much reflection, I had come to realize that I no longer wanted to pursue being a mental health therapist. How could I be expected to hold my clients up, when I was having trouble holding myself up? You cannot pour from an empty cup.

Then, as we all know the pandemic hit us in March. We were unable to celebrate my Grandpa’s 92nd birthday. Early April, my grandmother took a serious fall and was never able to recover. We said goodbye to her and then 5 weeks later, my grandfather followed. Through this terrible loss, I was able to find a new level of strength within myself. I feel a sense of peace knowing they are together and will help guide me through this life.

Fast forward two months…

August came, very aware of the dangers of Covid, I was taken down by something else. Neisseria Meningitidis. That’s the thing about having a weakened immune system, no matter how good you think you are doing physically, I constantly have this question in my head “What is the next challenge I will face, and when is it coming?” My doctors told me over and over how lucky I am. Just another few hours things could have been much worse.

I am STILL here. And so are YOU. Once again, I became instantly humbled, and one thing was very clear. Resilience. This became another word that I will use to describe this year. We are all faced with so much and yet we think at the time that we will never get through it.

The human Spirit is unbreakable. Yes, it’s true that time and time again we get knocked down and pieces of ourselves seem to fall away. Things may even seem beyond repair. I have learned to slow things down yet again, and focus inward to heal and acknowledge those parts of me that were lost. I pause and give us ALL credit for being resilient beyond measure in these uncertain times that we live in. Instead of tearing each other apart for our differences, why does it seem so damn hard to lift each other up when ALL of us have the common factor of struggle?

I think I can safely say that we all have another common factor… HOPE. Hope for Brighter days to come. Hope for a return to the Pre-Covid days. I also Hope for Health. For ALL of us.

Cheers & Love!

Sarah

And She Starts Again…

She gets up again with faith and fire in her heart.

My last post was early April, so I grant myself grace as I slowly slip back into the rhythm of writing. For those of you who may not know, I took some time away from blogging because my grandmother passed in early April, and then five weeks later my grandfather followed her. There is never a good time to lose a loved one, but the added stress of Covid-19 came with many more levels of grief for my family and I. I was quarantined during that time like many of my other friends with pre-existing health conditions. But, when that phone call came for us to come to the hospital to say goodbye to my grandmother I was at the hospital without hesitation.

Even though she had just celebrated her 90th birthday, we were not expecting her to leave us…she was tough, a fighter, and still sharp as a tack! Five weeks and one day later, my grandfather left to be with his beloved. I believe that he died of a broken heart. He just didn’t want to be without her.

When I was in the hospital room with my grandma, I prayed. I told God that I wasn’t ready to let go, but if she needed to go, I understood. I understand that my grandpa needed to be with his wife, needed to hold her hand again. Grief comes in many forms of emotions. It is not linear. I am no grief counselor. However, I do know that it is important to allow yourself the space to feel whatever emotions that do come up for you.

What is my point to all of this? I took time away from writing to take care of myself. As all of my fellow warriors know, extra stress mentally or physically is not optimal if you have a health condition. I recognized in myself that I needed to take a step back and focus on my family. So, when those external pressures start to stack up from those around us… remember whose race you are running on that track. You are in charge of the pace, You can decide to stop for a bit to rest. Hell, You Own the damn arena! Be kind to yourself and to others. Some of us may be fighting battles that are not seen by the physical eye. The Strong reserve the right to fall apart from time to time, this does not show weakness. This shows humanness.

As She starts again…She will rise.