Tag: EMPLOYMENT

The Window

I feel like a failure. Whatever talent I have or had is being wasted as each minute rolls by the ticking clock. The sound of it getting louder and louder. Taunting me. I feel like a beggar. Tattered clothes and all, peering into the window from the outside. Everyone else is inside the door. As I look in, I can see the warm light surrounding them. I can hear from a distance people laughing, smiling, as they climb the ladder of outward success. It’s snowing now, the darkness blankets me as I take slow breaths in the chilled air.

Darkness. My old familiar friend. We have come to know each other so well. For so long I have relentlessly tried to break free from you. I can’t feel my legs now, standing in the snow. My feet get wet and tired from waiting so long outside in the blizzard. I watch still, the others can’t see how I envy.

The ticking of the clock is fierce now, almost screaming at me. Do something, move. My feet frozen in time, stuck in the snow. I beg for help, but no one can hear me because I am on the outside, alone. I try to tap on the window. No one answers. The fire inside the house fills the space with warmth. At the same time, the fire that was once inside me barely flickers. I bang on the door. Waiting for it to open. Nothing.

Silence for me, while the inside roars with breath and light. I do not ask for pity. What I ache for is opportunity. Not given, but rightfully earned. Know this…my struggle is real but do not mistake this for weakness. I may grapple with this illness, but that does not mean I belong in the discard bin. I have a voice, I have opinions, and I have life. I stare through the window, wishing I could grasp my former self.

I start to fade away into the darkness as time moves us on, yet keeps me still. Waiting. Just waiting to join the rest of you.

The Sum Of A Resume

The white page is blank. The space bar is blinking seemingly begging you to write the words in the space. I format the page using a legible font and size to describe myself to the professional world. How do I display a life in such a way that will stand out? The competition around me is fierce and I feel like a piece of pray surrounded by lions. You start to question yourself. Do I know this part of myself? Is she still buried somewhere underneath all the scars and pain she knows all too well. The purpose of the resume is to show people what you have done and what you can bring to the table. However, if you read between the lines on the formatted page, this is where I reside.

If you were to look at my resume you would see gaps of employment. “Why were you unemployed during this time?” My hands clammy and throat starts to dry up. Am I supposed to lie? Tell you that I took some time off to “find myself” or that I spent that time backpacking through Europe? Full disclosure, I have skirted around the subject and also taken the risk of telling a future employer the truth regarding my bumpy job history.

I have learned that I cannot hide this part of who I am. For so long, I continuously fought against acceptance of my diagnosis. Through time and introspection I have learned to let go. Instead of fighting this tsunami, I lean into it. I have never been an overly religious person, but living this life now has opened me up to trusting in something bigger than myself.

This diagnosis was given to me for a reason, and that reason is still unfolding with each passing day. The energy it takes to fight against something is exhausting. The energy it takes to lean into it is far easier. I used to feel ashamed and resentful of my illness because it took so much from me. Now, I acknowledge it and work with it to heal myself and hopefully help others who struggle in similar ways. It has become lovingly woven into my identity as a strong young woman.

Listing the qualities you have on a bulleted piece of paper does not sum up who we are as human beings. The real strengths we acquire happen outside of that 8.5 x 11 resume. So, on paper you may see a candidate with unemployment gaps. I see a young woman who fights everyday to find her place in this world when circumstance took her away for a little while. I am still here. Still smart, capable, passionate and gritty as hell. Don’t just gloss over the words on the page. See me and the fight that’s still there deep inside.