After my first round of treatment was completed I was finally able to come home. I remember being pushed outside in a wheelchair with tears in my eyes, just so thrilled to feel the crisp air on my face. When I left the hospital, I had a PICC line inserted in my right arm and a bag of medications to carry with the other. I took out all the orange pill bottles to see what they had been giving me in the hospital. I started to cry uncontrollably and I let out a scream that I had never heard myself make before. I felt so small, so weak.
Looking back on it now, I wasn’t feeling at all. I was going through the motions, just existing and not really living. I couldn’t process any actual feelings because the physical trauma had masked them. I was so exhausted, I had nothing left. I was on the other side of the fence and didn’t even know it yet. It took effort for me to even speak.
Two months later, I was still unable to work. My friends had decided to throw a fundraiser for me at my local pub to help pay for medical/living expenses. There are pictures of me on that day. I don’t see myself.
Making my way through the crowd of people, it was as if I was speaking about someone else. Seeing the head tilts and the sad looks over and over again. I was on that other side. The one needing help, not giving it. The one losing her job, not getting that promotion. The Sick one, not the “nothing can happen to me” one. The one with friendships pulling away because they are uncomfortable having a friend with chronic illness.
I must say however, that I am blessed to be on my side of the fence. I can say with absolute certainty that I am my most authentic self. That American Dream that everyone attempts to chase is just a disappearing horizon. Monetary success does not equal buying your way out of being sick. What matters is who is willing to meet you face to face at that barrier. Who is willing to just sit with you a while, until you are strong enough to Break it down.
Thank you to all of those who Choose to sit with ALL Fighting Warriors.
And to my Future Forever…
That fence around my Heart will come all the way down for You.
You just need to be willing to jump over it.
very good job Sarah. As usual. Your an awesome niece. I love you.
Thank you so much Steve!! Really appreciate you reading! You are the Best Uncle! I love you!!
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