This month of October is the seven year anniversary since I was diagnosed with PNH and AA (Paroxysmal Nocturnal Hemoglobinuria) (Aplastic Anemia). Somehow this year feels different for me. Throughout my days recently I catch myself reflecting on this one hell of a curve ball thrown right into my chest. I was 28 years old at the time. I had so much light in my eyes, but quickly was confronted with this darkness that I never wanted to know.
The first couple of years post diagnosis I was totally numb, and tried to numb the pain even more by reaching for the bottle. It was warm, a sense of comfort at a time when I was slowly fading into the background. A part of me had felt like I had died already. I was chasing a version of myself that I so desperately needed to be. Or at least I thought I needed to be. I lost her. She didn’t die, she changed and grew into another version of herself.
It’s seven years later now and some old parts of myself are starting to reemerge. The anger and sadness I carried with me at the start somehow have gotten lighter. I have gotten lighter. It sounds cliché but I have learned to let go of the things I can’t control.
It has taken me years, but instead of battling against myself and this diagnosis, I have learned to be kinder and gentler with myself. I take risks, step outside of my comfort zone to see what this universe has in store for me. So many times this illness has tried to demolish who I am and what I want to become. But every time I start to rebuild, I am stronger, more humble, and give myself the time to heal before trying again. I have grown to accept more and fight less.
Just because we accept however, does not mean we remain stagnant. This is a delicate balance of pushing ourselves versus giving our minds and bodies the rest it so clearly needs. “If it doesn’t open…it’s not your door.” This is a quote that has always resonated with me.
The past seven years I have come across many doors. All different colors, knobs, and sizes. I have tried to knock. I have tried a secret password. I have tried using a crow bar in the middle of the night (figuratively ha!). I have tried a running start to bust it down. I have tried using a whistle. I have tried it all to get the damn thing to open. What I have realized is those doors were never for me. I am figuring out the blueprints to build my custom home. Building your own home takes a hell of a lot longer than opening some little door.