The Tall, Dark, Mirage

Yes, he was. I was fresh back onto the dating scene that summer of 2015. With both intense treatments behind me, I had made a choice to step back out there and give this thing a try. I remember leaving the house that night saying to my mom “well, here we go again.” Which is something I always say to her even now with first dates.

I wore this flowy white sheer dress and sandals. I remember stepping out onto the restaurant patio and locking eyes with this Tall, Dark, Handsome man. I was so nervous I hardly touched the food on my plate. It was completely unexpected, and was so effortless. Several hours later, he walked me to my car and kissed me. That Hollywood Kiss that every girl wants on a first date. Fireworks. I was Smitten.

Not much time had passed, and I was getting ready to tell my parents that I had found the man I was going to marry. Ready to call Dad to give me away, and go dress shopping with Mom.

Just one thing… it was a Mirage. As I stepped closer to him, he faded away.

I have realized something along the way. Some people cross your path to Show you, and others cross your path to Grow you.

This man has shown me that I want someone with depth. Someone with strong enough shoulders to lift me, because sometimes I might not be able to lift myself. Someone who can accept all parts of me.

He wanted my illness to fade away or disappear. The more I couldn’t talk about it, the more parts of myself I had to swallow. I won’t ever do this again. It’s not all of me, but it does exist. It’s the reason that I have had a hard time working. It’s the reason why I have financial difficulties. It’s the reason why I still live at home with my mother, despite being 34 years old.

I let this man go because I knew it wasn’t right. I found my voice and listened to it. To make a relationship work, it shouldn’t be so much work. Could I be married right now? Yes. But, I know with every fiber in me it would have been a mistake. I get asked all of the time “why are you still single?” The answer is simply this… because I haven’t settled. I also want to say there is Nothing wrong with being single. The cliché ‘keeping up with the Joneses’ no longer applies when you get hit with fighting for your life. It has this way of having you think smaller. Like appreciating a calm breeze, or the way your heart quickens when he brushes the hair off of your face. The ultimate goal is happiness. This process has taught me that it starts with ourselves. There is nothing wrong with continuing to grow and work on being your best self.

This girl has come a long way since the Mirage. She was chasing the Mirage… now she chooses to just have fun in the waves of the ocean. Because she has faith that those waves will bring her to where she is meant to be.